I won’t deny it, it was awkward being asked to be the best man at Waitrose’s wedding. We have been best mates for a long time now, we’ve shared some good meals and good times together, so watching Waitrose falling in love with that wretched Shell was tough. I wanted to refuse but I didn’t have the heart so I decided to use my best man’s speech to make clear to Waitrose how I felt about this sham of a marriage. Thankfully I didn’t have to – the wedding was so full of objections that the vicar refused to continue with the service. Climate Rush has given me the space here to write what I would have said in my speech.
I’ve known Waitrose all my life. Back in the day, Waitrose was such an inspiring friend. He was so popular at school because he always stood up for the kids being picked on. In his lunchbox he packed sustainable fish, fairtrade sugar and locally grown fruits and vegetables. He had strong green commitments and everyone trusted him, more than trusted - we were proud to sit with him at lunchtime, he was the coolest kid in our year.
Then adulthood set in and he starting thinking about love. I always thought he would marry someone as good as him, but he fell in love with a bully. Some people say you can’t help who you fall in love with but you don’t know how bad Shell is - bad for him and bad for everyone else. It started with a kiss, and then they moved in together. Moved in so quickly! Can you believe that? Before we knew it he was living with Shell. Moved all his products into a petrol forecourt, shared all his good rep with this person who is abusing people all over the world. Some of his friends still wanted to hang out with him, but they couldn’t bear to visit him in his new home so eventually they lost touch and had lunch with new friends.
Nothing made sense anymore. In case you think I am just being fussy let me tell you all about his new partner. Shell is responsible for human rights abuses and environmental destruction throughout the world. The fact of the matter is that Shell is very rich, so rich that she can buy governments and courtrooms. She thinks she can extract fossil fuels wherever she wants to and she doesn’t care about the communities she rips apart in the process, or the climate change her fossil fuels accelerate. In the Niger Delta gas-flaring causes horrendous health conditions and early deaths for the local communities forced to live with her. In Alberta Canada indigenous communities find their ground water polluted, their crops won’t grow, and their animals they rely on for a subsistence lifestyle are sick and cancer rates have increased by 30%. Now Shell wants to drill in the Arctic, knowing full well that if one of her frequent oil spills happened out there nothing could be done about it. An entire ecosystem could be destroyed, just like that.
How does she get away with it? She seduces lovers with good reputations, people we are friends with and who we respect. She seduces them with cash, corporate partnerships deals, sponsorships deals and it’s not just my mate Waitrose, she is having affairs with arts and cultural institutions everywhere. She thinks that if she is with them then we won’t notice how bad she is – well she can’t fool me. I never thought my best friend would marry for money, but I was wrong.
All I can say as Waitrose’s best man is don’t give up on him. He has a good heart and he can change, he will change but we have to join together to tell him that we can’t be his friend on these terms. It’s us or Shell. You have to keep telling him so he knows that he can go back to his old self, you can write to him, tweet at him, tell him on his facebook page. You can stage an intervention in any of his stores or ask to speak to his store managers about how worried you are. Whatever you decide to do, just let him know that when he chooses to leave I’ll be there for him again.
Tags: Activism, Climate Change, climate rush, corporate ethics, human rights, London, oil, protest, shell, Shell Kensington Gardens, tar sands, Waitrose, wedding